The Gifts of Imperfection
Posted November 11th, 2022 - By Lauren Ahl
Have you ever worked so hard on a project to make sure it was perfect to show to others or turn in? What about constantly setting expectations for yourself to meet despite achieving your goals? Or perhaps overcompensating because you wanted to prove yourself or impress someone else? Well, honey, this might be perfection trying to get in the way.
Perfection is a common ideal we strive for in life with the hopes of one day getting everything we want. We will be happy, successful, worthy, and for once seen as a valuable asset. These are a lot of promises perfection makes to keep us on a continuous cycle to become this ultimate being. We will sacrifice anything to reach this level without realizing the pressure it puts on us and how unhappy a perfectionist life is.
I know, it sounds like a lot. You might not even realize the perfectionist cycle you are in. It’s hard to face that a lot of your quirks and habits are linked to a need to be perfect and a lack of value and self-esteem. But I promise, there is nothing wrong with you for having these perceptions.
We live in a society and culture where we are constantly pushed to be something, everything, and nothing at the same time. It’s confusing and hard, not to mention all the stress and pressure we face in our everyday lives. We are inundated by what others want us to be which opposes what we want for ourselves. As easy as it is to just accept the fact that this is life, it’s important to see that it’s not. We are humans. We were born to be imperfect. If we were perfect we would all be robots - and even robots don’t do everything right. But as humans, we are naturally and rightfully imperfect.
Embracing this imperfection allows us to grow and adapt, learn and love, and accept and be accepted in this world. Imperfection allows you to relax completely as yourself and feel complete in what you have to offer. Imperfection allows you to recognize your worth and importance, as well as focus on your happiness first.
We can see our perfectionism come out when we interact with others. Constant comparison of appearances and success only hinders our opinion of ourselves. We start to hone in on our flaws, put down our accomplishments, and set even further expectations for us to reach. Yet, perfectionism limits our ability to celebrate the goals of our peers and ourselves. Success and accomplishments turn into a competition to outdo or prove we are worth the same attention. Not a fun way to look forward to achievements. Accepting our imperfections allows us to accept others' success as an exciting moment for them. Just as we accept our accomplishments as something we can be proud of for the effort we put in rather than everything we could have done better. You can look at others without any comparison or judgment because just like you, they are imperfect humans just trying to live in this weird world.
Another way to look at this process is by letting go of perfection as a ruling discipline in your life. It can be a freeing process, all the while a completely scary one that might sound uncomfortable. It’s easy to cower at the things we are unsure of, but sometimes the first step into discomfort will make everything else feel more comfortable in the end. Letting go of this perfection can feel like a weight off your shoulders as if all the high pressure and standards you put on yourself can melt away and you can live just as you are. This letting go of pressure can help us achieve our goals with more excitement as we achieve the goals we want to achieve rather than feeling like we have to. It will help us accept who we are and where we are on our journey.
Author Brené Brown highlights the beauty of imperfection in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection by guiding readers to a wholehearted life filled with welcoming their imperfections and flaws that make us who we are. Rather than chasing the image of who you think you should be and what people expect of you, she wants readers to be okay with not being perfect and instead focus on a life filled with courage, compassion, and connection, or as she calls it, the gifts of imperfection.
Brown’s writing highlights many stories from real people concerning shame and vulnerability. From these stories, she recommends steps to shift to embrace a life of accepting our worth and living wholeheartedly. She encourages us to let go of perfection and accept who we are and what we have to offer. Through our vulnerabilities, we can connect with others rather than constantly try to please them. Being vulnerable is a key step to fostering a life of authenticity and genuine connections.
Brown strives in creating a wholehearted living movement of people embracing authenticity and worthiness as opposed to living with shame and guilt. This movement feeds off freedom and the beauty of being imperfect, accepting life how it is. This book looks at imperfection as a life full of joy, messes, hard times, and heartbreak, yet exciting and wild moments to look forward to. Although scary and hard to let go of the perfection holding us back, it’s important to feel the fear, chose to be brave, live wholeheartedly, and feel alive as an imperfect human.
Brown developed a set of ten guideposts to help readers on their way to a wholehearted life full of authenticity and joy. However, she designed these guideposts to promote the cultivation of freeing skills, as well as letting go of what’s not serving us in life. She dares those who feel worthy to embrace their imperfections, to let go of who they think they should be, and to accept who they are. By opening up and choosing vulnerability, you can acknowledge and appreciate the parts of yourself as another beautiful aspect and completely you.
Here are a few of the guideposts to consider when looking towards a wholehearted life embracing imperfection.
Guidepost #1: Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think
We are so quick to stop being ourselves to fit in with everyone else out of fear of being rejected or being seen as an outcast. Too much focus is spent on what everyone else is thinking that we forget to consider what we are thinking ourselves. With this need to become perfect, we lose sight of ourselves in the process.
We are all humans on different paths and with different experiences. Where in the rule book of life did it say we all have to assimilate into fitting a certain quota? Hold up! When has there ever been a rule book? There is an inherent fear that everyone faces when it comes to society and what we are supposed to be or suppose to be doing when there has never once been a set way of doing something. We are conditioned to fear what more is out there when we are not following the status quo, but in reality, doing you is the way it should be done. No one out there is like you - nor should anyone judge you for that.
Authenticity starts with letting go of what others think or what the world may deem you. People may disagree or propose another way and it is your choice to accept that or not. In the end, it is your choice to do what you want in life. The beauty of being our imperfect self is that we can live exactly as that. The most authentic and complete version of ourselves who take in what we want rather than stressing over the perfection we must achieve (that news flash is completely impossible).
Guidepost #7: Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
As I go on in life, I’ve been realizing each day how conditioned I am to viewing productivity as a binary thing. If you are productive, you have succeeded the day. If you are lazy, slacking, or doing nothing (which I equated to signs of being not productive), you are a failure. It’s a painful mindset to have which has led me to tiring spurts of forced productivity and demoralizing falls of burnout. This back and forth has made me realize how unbalanced my mind has been. Productivity is not the basis for excellency or perfection, it’s a fear-driven excuse to reach the impossible standard one sets for themselves. Through and through, I saw exhaustion, overworking myself, and forced productivity as a good thing. It was a sign that I’m a hard worker who will strive for anything. Yet, all I’m doing is feeding my fear and supporting this false narrative.
Being productive is an important part of life. We get up, go to work or school, and get what is required of us done. However, being productive is not everything our lives are capable of. Taking breaks, setting rest days, planning trips and adventures, all of these moments are important for our minds and bodies to function for the times we do need to get stuff done. We are not ignoring the fact that we need to get tasks completed, but rather recharging ourselves to be productive and successful. We are an investment, we must take care of ourselves to get the returns we want. And as for productivity, it shouldn’t be this forced concept that deems what type of person you are. Some things are required of us, like paying taxes or doing chores, and there are goals we want to achieve or succeed in, such as learning an instrument or writing a book - however, there is more to our lives than getting stuff done. We could do chores all day and thrive off how productive we are, but how much life have we lived in the process? Get the chores done in time to go to the movies with your friends, that seems like a great balance of doing what you need to get done and having something to look forward to and rest through afterward.
Taking care of ourselves is productive because our bodies stop working effectively when they are pushed to their limits. Humans cannot function when they are pushed to their limits, instead, we are bogged down with stress, affecting our moods and limiting ourselves from anything outside what is expected of us or this concept that we need to be doing something groundbreaking at all times. Being the perfect little busy bee is only going to get you so far before you don’t have the energy or capacity to keep going.
The imperfect you needs to take moments to yourself to live and enjoy - laughing with loved ones, going for a walk to clear your mind, sleeping in on the weekends, looking forward to plans after work. There is so much life to live and so much time to be productive, so take this moment to do something for yourself to recharge your batteries to take the next project by force.
Guidepost #8: Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
As a fellow anxious person, I can easily relate to feeling anxiety as a never-ending argument within myself every day. It feels as if everything is piling up on top of me and I just have to suffer the weight and pressure of it all. It's as if I must continue working until the pile is clear, despite a new day bringing more and more struggles to consider. I’ve come to realize that this is in no way effective for my everyday life. I am pushing myself into states of panic and stress and experiencing massive burnout and exhaustion from all I am juggling. My anxiety was winning the fight and starting to control me.
Anxiety shouldn’t be this losing battle between living comfortably and living in stress and panic. Your body and your anxiety must have a mutualistic relationship, working together to make you feel more in control and comfortable with any situation. By doing so, you can allow your mind a break from everything weighing you down now and focus on taking all of your problems and responsibilities one step at a time. When times get hard and you feel the world piling on top of you, take a breath and consider what needs to get done right now or what needs your attention at the moment. Have a homework assignment due tomorrow, so maybe start with that - need to plan for dinner, this can be something to consider when the time comes, plus it's not a major concept nor needs to be figured out now.
Some of these hoops seem daunting the moment we are congested with so many things to do, despite being simple tasks once we cool down our minds. Such as that homework assignment, take a second to create calmness and stillness before jumping into it, take each direction a step of the time, and let go of the end all be all stronghold you have over yourself. By taming the anxiety in the moment, the fear and hesitation you had doesn’t seem so overwhelming. Cultivating a life of peace rather than anxiety can make the anxiety feel more manageable and give you control over its power to live a mutual lifestyle.
Guidepost #10: Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”
Have you ever been the one at a party standing at the back of the room watching others out there dancing and having fun? So lame and embarrassing you might say. Yet, those who are out there cutting loose aren’t thinking a thing about it because they are enjoying their time with everyone else. Growing up, we are pressured into believing to fit in we have to be cool and let go of what “embarrasses” us.
Even as adults, it’s easy to get wrapped in what is embarrassing and what’s not when having fun and putting ourselves out there on display. It’s as if we have this image of what cool is in our brain, not acting silly, being smooth, suave, adventurous with all of our pictures looking immaculate, or being the talk of the town for having a sick style. Yeah, we can fight to be this ridiculous image of what we think “cool” means, but that life also sounds commercialized and designed to fit a mold rather than being freeing and fun. Sometimes we need to lose ourselves and what’s holding us back to just sing, dance, and have a good time with others. We can keep this professional, slick, no-nonsense appearance, but man does that sound soooo boring. We will just end up in the corner alone wishing we had the confidence to go out there and dance with everyone else. It’s a fear that we won’t be seen as cool or be judged for having fun, but who cares what others think? In the end, more people wish they could just go out there and belt their hearts out, but the fear is holding them back.
There is beauty in being able to let it all go and just enjoy living to the silliest degree dancing to a song you love, singing karaoke with your friends, and laughing until you are wheezing. You will forget everything holding you back if you just let it go for a second to live an unaffected life away from fear and judgment. It’s living authentically, letting go of perfection, challenging anxiety, being creative, and embracing joy just to move about in a free motion and pattern. I know it can be scary, but once you allow yourself to be uncomfortable and find your footing, you will forget all the reasons you were worried or hesitant in the first place. You can feel your body relax and melt into the feeling of being surrounded by people loosening up just like you. The world be a much happier and imperfect place with everyone just letting go to dance, sing, and laugh for a chance.
Accepting and embracing our imperfection is not a sign of defeat, but it’s challenging our perception of perfection and diminishing its power over our lives. Nor does losing a perfectionist lifestyle affect your goals and dreams, if anything it helps you recognize the goals you want to achieve for yourself rather than appease anyone else. Being imperfect allows you to chase after these goals with new freedom where you can make mistakes and learn from them, take new paths as they present themselves, and remember that you’re worthy regardless of your success. It’s being able to celebrate your accomplishments while also accepting where you are now and all that you haven’t accomplished yet as a comforting reminder. We can still be growing and moving forward, all the while appreciating all we have to offer now in the moment.
Perfectionism can be a tough perspective to challenge, reaching out to a professional can benefit for short or long-term treatment to understand what is the cause and plans to help let go of this ideal.
Throughout this process, it’s important to give yourself grace. Perfectionism often stifles us from being gentle and compassionate with ourselves. Being mindful can help us live in the present progress for what it is, an imperfect journey. This journey is filled with mistakes and growth, all positive parts of moving forward. You can reasonably take the day at your own pace, setting reasonable goals, accepting criticism, and focusing on the meaning of everything you do rather than perfection.
If you want to learn more about imperfection or Brené Brown and the guideposts of wholehearted living, check out the links below!
Sources and Links:
Life Club - The Gifts of Imperfection Review
Oregon Counseling - 10 Ways to Overcome Perfection
Hudson Therapy Group - How to Accept and Embrace Imperfection
Psychology Today - How to Let Go of the Need to Be Perfect
